He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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