i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
