i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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