you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
