I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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