Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
