Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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