im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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