she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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