I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
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I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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