Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
