Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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