Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
