I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
