just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
