My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Are we still banned from the library?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
