FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
