Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
