Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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