dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
