If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
