i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
do herpes really smell.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
