Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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