You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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