I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
50% drunk capacity currently
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
