When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
