life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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