I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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