I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
