TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
