I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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