I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
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She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
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I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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