I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
