i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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