ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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