My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
