I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
