Dude my mom stole all your condoms
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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