Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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