It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
