woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
