when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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