I smell stomach acid.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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