I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
