I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
