I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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