my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
