eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
