Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
