its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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