May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
