you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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