the new term for farting is butt boxing.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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