Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
