You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
