put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
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I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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