My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
